30 December 2009

Bonus Blog - No Photo Needed

Okay....I admit, I am the definition of "dweeb" - dimwit, cousin to nerd, inept, a doofus, etc. etc.
Today was one affirmation after another that I truly am a dweeb. Take a peek into my life:

Jack is sick with a cold so I decided to make him homemade chicken noodle soup. (Especially in light of the fact that he made me CNS when I was sick.... one good turn deserves another!)
So the chicken is simmering and I'm chopping veggies. QUESTION: How much protein is in fingernails? I kept chopping off one after the other! I had to finally quit chopping and got out my Krups FoodSlicer (which I plan on offering on Craig's List quite soon). I sliced everything I needed on it and cleaned it up quite nicely. Everything was on simmer, (minus the fingernail chunks) so I decided to whip out my sourdough starter and make some bread.

I had added some flour when I needed to open another sack of flour. I had 3/4 of a cup filled and only needed to top it off. Well, as if my cup were empty, I picked up the cup and managed to throw the 3/4 of a cup of flour all over myself and the counter top and floor. (Grrrrrr).
(How come I never remember that Flour + Water = PASTE?????) Paste on my floor, on my cupboards, on myself, on my towel, my rag and my chopping block. Nothing like it. (Where are my paste eating friends when I need them?!)

Anyway, I get everything rolling along. Only takes 8 hours for the first rising! So rise it shall. Meanwhile, I figured I'd head down to get the newspaper and mail.

The pond was quite frozen so I decided to throw this cool big rock onto the ice to hear the "twannnnging" noise it makes. I threw it as hard as I could and it landed in a bush not 3 feet away from me. Hmmmph! So I picked up a smaller rock and threw it underhanded. You won't believe this, but it went straight up into the air and came down about an inch away from my nose. (Even the Cubs would turn me down for my lack of pitching arm...no matter that I'd play for FREE!) Okay, 3rd times the charm....I did manage to throw this tiny, tiny rock onto the ice. Yup... no twannnnng for me!

A bit down the drive and I decided I needed to spit. Have any of you ever seen "Gone Fishing" with Danny Glover and Joe Pechi? Well, there is a scene in that movie that makes me about wet my pants every time because I relate to it so completely. It is where Joe and Danny are tied up by the bad guys and Joe goes to spit in the face of the bad guy as an insult, only he ends up spitting on himself. Yup, that's me. Spit-on-myself Sandee! I spit like I throw, down and dirty! (eeue Gross!!!)

Later in the day, I needed to put the bread into my mixer with my bread hook and stir it up a bit. First of all, I added everything backwards and had the liquid yeast mixture flying out all over my counter with recipes, and papers and over my toaster and counter. OK, I'm good at cleaning up messes.....then, sure enough, after it was mixing awhile, I turned my back and no sooner than I looked back, the dough had literally climbed out of the mixer bowl and up the body of the mixer! It looked like The BLOB from that 1950's movie. OMG! Try to get that off of everything. Luckily, my girls knew to give me an industrial mixer that could withstand whatever I dish out to the poor thing! It really, really was a mess to clean up.

Remember many, many posts ago, I discovered that garlic squeezed out of a garlic press made great contact cement when it wouldn't come off of my cupboards and every thing else I sprayed it over? Well, do I have news for you....SOURDOUGH STARTER MAKES THE BEST GLUE EVER!!! Honestly, it just plain does not come off of anything. I think I should go into the business of "natural" glues!

What else went wrong? Oh yeah, I was on the phone when my pasta boiled over. I have no clue why I have any finish on my hardwood floors in the kitchen at all!! I need to install a high powered vacuum system in the baseboards that sense when I spill and automatically suck it up off the floor for me!

I ended up waking Jack up talking to myself - or shouting at myself is more like it. I just don't know how people cook. It is such an ordeal to me. Nothing comes easy. Nothing. Nada. Rien.

It is 7:00 p.m. and the soup was good. The bread is rising yet again. I have found a new respect for sourdough bread. I understand how much time goes into a loaf of it and I'll never EVER take sourdough bread for granted again. I'll most likely make a scene like "When Harry Met Sally" and she pulls the fake orgasm over her salad...uh huh! That's what I'm going to be thinking about when I eat my next slice of sourdough bread. For sure.

So I'm a dweeb. Officially. I can't cook without making a mess. I can't walk without spitting on myself or throwing a rock at something I am NOT aiming at.

I am beginning to think I must have come out feet first. Everything is just all mixed up for me!

Hey.....tomorrow is my last posting for the year. Hip! Hip! Hooray!!!

1 comment:

Amy said...

OMG.....thanks for the laugh!! I'll never be able to eat sourdough bread agian without thinking of you! LOL....and spitting on yourself.....you too, too funny, sweet friend! Luv ya!!